Sep. 1st, 2017

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[Over the communicator, a gentle, soothing, if vaugely eerie tune begins to play. A piano by the sounds of it, floating, ethereal, and softly, sweetly creepy]

Good evening, Genessia. Good evening Attleton, Everglade, Fayren and Nova City.

Has your day been enjoyable? Have you all enjoyed this beautiful summer season? Are you all ready for the festivity, fun and fervor of fall? The white, whistling quiet of winter?

Are you ready for the ongoing press of time? The relentless, perpetual movement towards an unforeseeable, unpredictable future?

I, for one, am ready, and very, very excited.

Good evening, Genessia, and welcome to Attleton.


I hope to have this broadcasts happen regularly, every Friday evening. Something warm and pleasant to bring in the weekend. Take your minds off the grind of work and the drudgery of the rat race. As a professional journalist with many years behind me as a radio show host, I know all of you will only be getting the best entertainment that money does not have to buy.


Briefly, a traffic report. The evening rush hour in Nova City is quite the sight. Backed up for three miles in all returning lanes. It does, actually, appear this time that there is entirely one person to blame for this. Attempt not to begrudge Mrs. Tibson too hard. It's been a terribly long day for her, and these roads can be very confusing, and attempting to drive a one hundred foot wide car is extremely difficult. I have always found a tried and true method of curbing road rage to be sudoku, or any other type of portable game.

Hector in editing has an entire foosball table in his chevy. Try to be like Hector.


The lonely hearts killer is still stalking the streets of Attleton. As some of you may know, locals have had their hearts carved from their chests, and there are still no suspects. While no one with a pendant has been claimed by this brutal murderer yet, it is still advised that those who call the Attleton area home keep their eyes peeled, and for those otherwise attached to their internal organs not to travel alone. As a reminder, a shop in Everglade does, in fact, sell eye peelers, in case any of you need a recommendation.

Before anyone raises their voice to decry the government of Attleton... May I remind you that our beloved guardian Cassian is possibly one of the most beautiful faces in Attleton, and before you consider yelling at him, attempt to imagine him lowering his voice, ever so gently, and talking to you so very quietly, his large, dark, soulful eyes full of determination and spirit, his gently tousled, dark hair caught in the breeze, his tone so very low but so very strong.

If you can still imagine yourself getting into an argument, I actually have several maps of several different cities for you to live in, where there is plenty of room for you and your wrong opinion.


Halloween is approaching! And you all know what that means!

Getting magically turned into the costume you picked up at last minute in the dollar store!

In order to avoid such embarrassing transformations, we urge you all to find Svens Seven Scary Scarts.

What's a scart?

Sven couldn't find a way to alliterate the entire business name and got creative. It's perhaps a touch clunky, but I admire Sven's can do attitude.

The 'scarts' are littered hither and thither and we all suggest you go looking for them for some of the best costumes you will ever find in town. The masks are exceedingly life like, the paint semi-permanent, the hair dye entirely permanent. Guaranteed to never wash out!


If you're having trouble locating a Scart, you may contact Sven between the hours of 12 AM and 3 AM in a lonely woods at a cross roads. Bring three friends, six candles and nine matches and repeat the chant:

"Alak, aley, alan. S'tzer mutt kouh, s'tzer mutt mah. S'tzer mutt MREE."

Sven will arrive within six to ten business days at your house and sell you a mask.


I can see that our weekly rumors have come out! Now, I just hate to get involved in these, but it is my duty, as a journalist and a reporter, to report on the news, and I will certainly up hold every measure of my title, even the completely regrettable, terrible and salacious parts of it.

[The paper work shuffles gently, and Cecil's throat clears]

... Oh... Goodness~.

We have quite a few interesting ones tonight.

Alice Lidell, a face I hope you'd all remember. A somber, lovely young woman with a love of the finer things in life. Currently, it appears young Miss Lidell has a now not so secret love of the colors fushia, periwinkle, salmon, rose and blush. It is still up for debate if coral, lavender, magenta, mauve and cotton candy are on this aforementioned list of secret passions. Listeners will be alerted if there are updates.

Ragyo Kiryuin, the impressive, intrepid and chromatically striking face of fashion in Genessia, is causing quite the stir among animal activists. As it turns out, some believe her wares to be less than animal friendly. I, for one, deeply disagree with this sentiment. Surely nothing terrible can come of someone with hair that nice.

Flandre Scarlet, of Everglade, has snuck out after her curfew, and gotten herself a belly button ring. We all know it's magnetic, but it's polite to nod and look very interested regardless. We must praise younger attempts at subversive behavior! Character growth is always positive! At least, all character growth permitted in The Code.


And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Weather


Our time draws to an end, listeners, and I regret that this first episode must be so short. Perhaps, next time, with donations and care from our listening audience, we can extend the length of our show.

For now, please.

Enjoy the last few days of summer.

Fall starts on the twenty second, not a day sooner. Please, put down the pumpkin. Put away the spiced coffee, it causes constipation. Enjoy these last few days of sun and heat. For who knows, gentle viewers, when or if we'll ever see daylight again.

Please, enjoy your night.

Enjoy your week.

Enjoy your year.

And enjoy your life.


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