Sep. 7th, 2017

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The lights fade yet again on another beautiful week. The promise of the weekend approaches. But can we call it the weekEND, if a new week is simply born at the end of that?

Perhaps then it is not the weekEND.

But a week restart.

I cannot wait for my week to restart, and comfortably wash away the mistakes, mishaps and accidental deaths of the past week.

Welcome To Attleton.


Briefly, the traffic.

There appears to be a traffic jam in Fayren. I know this may be surprising to some of you, as the grand sum of the vehicles in Fayren can be accurately approximated at twenty horses, five hay wagons, one sheep drawn wheelbarrow and one occasionally begrudging dragon.

But there is, indeed, a traffic jam.

Taking place on a beautiful town road, lovingly cobbled with old and worn stones, there seems to be a semi immobile collection of rabbits, deer, squirrels, hedgehogs, feral cats, and one ancient, toothless wolf.

They are simply standing there.


Watching down the path and waiting patiently for someone... or something.

Several animals have managed to get past this team, but it seems that those of the sapient persuasion are having some trouble. It is advised, if you intend on braving the woods of Fayren, to study up on music or, at the very least, hire a currently banished but pure princess to escort you through the woods.

If you cannot hold a tune or are finding banished but pure princesses to be in short supply, several gun stores in Nova City are holding door buster sales! Buy one, and the ammunition comes free!


Guardian Weiss Shnee of Nova City has resigned earlier this week, citing conflicts of interest, among other things.

Guardian Shnee was up until this point one of the longest serving Guardians in Genessia. She has faithfully and selflessly served the citizens of her city to the best of her abilities, and has contributed so much to the surrounding cities themselves. I, myself, fondly remember watching her hologram in the bay cave, admiring her wonderful taste in fashion and excellently styled hair, with accessories all to match. She was an intelligent, brave, beautiful leader with the voice of an angel.

If those were real.

She will be deeply missed, and I wish her the best of luck in all her future endeavors.

Guardian Shnee leaves behind Deputy Mercury and Deputy Garrus as co-Guardians until the next election. I, for one, have the utmost faith in their administration.

If you cannot trust a sapient bipedal alien crab, who can you trust?

Good luck, Nova City. And god speed.


Staying in Nova City, Mayor Schnee has announced a new series of laws set to go into effect immediately, pertaining to the rights of our non-organic and partially non-organic friends and family.

Immediately, all non-organic and partially non-organic beings within the city are considered to possess full, inalienable rights. Discrimination in the workplace, in business and in public will not be tolerated. These new laws will be held to the letter by the remaining deputies that Former Guardian Schnee has left.

I know in my heart that they will surely uphold these new laws without question. Garrus is very admirable like that, I couldn't imagine anything else.

Personally, I applaud this bold step forward in equality! I remember Nightvale, pre-machine sufferage and work equality. It took me weeks to convince my toaster oven to return to work, and if I were still at home, I'd still be paying for their highly skilled team of lawyers.


Attleton has once again become a hotbed of action! The streets are now full of dogs. Dogs everywhere. Up and down the street, in cars, on porches, frolicking freely and happily where ever their dear, doggy hearts decide to take them. We are truly blessed in Attleton, considering the dire straights we are still in with our heart stealing murderer yet unfound.

It is the dogocalypse.

A puppopalooza.

Our beloved and perfect Guardian, Cassian Andor, has done a marvelous job in rounding up the loose dogs, helped in no small part by his effortlessly graceful and efficient partner, Kay. They are truly the power couple of Attleton and it was an unparalleled pleasure seeing them function as one seamless, perfect unit, as if they were one complete and beautiful, four armed, partially robotic entity.

This has also, unequivically and eternally answered the ancient age old question that has long haunted mankind, since the dawn of history...

Who let the dogs out?

... Pirates!


Svens Seven Scary Scarts are still out and looking for buyers! Several of our local soulless natives have already eagerly snapped up their own masks, makeup, dye and costumes for the season! Don't forget to get yours now!

Sven is doing a promotional sale at the early and easy hour of 1 AM amid a grove of birch trees by the glow of the full moon! Bring your friends! Bring your family! Bring something you are at loathe to part with, and give it to Sven to assure yourself a safe and bountiful harvest.


Speaking of Halloween, there will be some difficulty involved with engaging in the usual, wholesome Halloween tradition of summoning demons in the mirror.

Due to poor working conditions, the entities Bloody Mary, the cigarette demon, and the evil baby that may or may not be an incarnation of Lucifer are on strike. Attempting to summon any of them this year appears to only get the summoner an automated message containing a list of demands which contain but are not limited to:

Longer lasting candles
Cleaner bathrooms
Longer hours
Less jokes about tomatoes
Cigarettes that are not Eagle 20's
A sacrifice that doesn't scream so much

Fortunately, we still have the reduced price, off brand evil mirror summons, sure to still put a spark into your spooky evening.

On the list of willing stand ins are:

Hematoma Marge
The Lollipop Imp
And Willy Scratch. E, who is not actually a demon or a supernatural being, but a very bored and recently laid off tax accountant in the down town Attleton area. For twenty five dollars and a can of beer, Willy will bang on all your windows at around 9 pm on Halloween for approximately five minutes or until he gets tired.


In rumors this week, the fae dragon Liora is actually a bottle gold. No word on who the stylist is currently, though with results like that, I can only assume it was professionally done. Regardless, isn't she just stunning?

Noctis Lucis Caelum was recently spotted patronizing the Gentleman's Club Glitter Palace this past weekend. Dancer Krystal Nipz, an employee there, has stated that he is an excellent conversationalist, and has exceptionally toned thighs.

In darker rumors... our own Dave Strider has sunk to desperate measures in order to make a name for himself at the Fama Talent Agency. I am at loathe to repeat this, he is so very young after all, but it is my duty to inform all of you that Dave Strider....

Is evading taxes. Attempt to control your outrage, I know. More to come on this story later.


Please place your calls! Remember only the first five callers will be answered, and keep it clean. You are, after all, on the air.


And now, the weather!


I sincerely hope you all enjoyed tonights show.

If any of you out there are interested in further broadcasts, the station is always accepting donations.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend, and take care. Take care of yourselves. Take care of your friends. Take care of your family, your pets, your appliances and your home.

Take care of our world.

Take care of our tiny pocket dimension.

But most of all... take care. In everything.


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